The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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