My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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