The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
