Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
