Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
what day is it and did you see me today?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
