I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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