Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
