I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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