just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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