Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
