he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
