I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
