I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Randomize
