Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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