I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
whose ass print is on the piano?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
