someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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