I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
