so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
