I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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