Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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