If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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