Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
