Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
