i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
