Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
