she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
not ubering you a puppy
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
