i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I could make wine with my vomit
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
