when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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