What did we do last night that was yellow?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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