What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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