Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
