I wish my penis had an off switch
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
