hell yes lets make some ravioli
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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