it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
