i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
