I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
