I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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