She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Randomize
