gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
