giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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