He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Randomize
