There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
