is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
