So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
