Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
