After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
