I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
