Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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