I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
