i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
