When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
