u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
