Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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