Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
