I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I was not drunk enough for that final.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
