were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
